Tag Archives: Music

Heads Up, Venue Owners in South Africa

Hi there, I play in a band, and I have a large, ugly bone to pick with venue owners in South Africa. Before I get started, let me clarify: this isn’t directed at any one venue owner in particular, but rather as a general warning to the state of the industry in SA – sparked by a number of incidents that I have heard of in the past. Okay, so lets get started.

  • First things first: if you want a DJ, hire a DJ. If you want a band, hire a band. If you want both, hire both; but don’t – for the love of God – hire a band and expect them to supply in-between set  ambience. That’s the venue’s issue. Do you hire a DJ and ask them to play in a band as well?  No. If you’re confused as to the difference between a band and a DJ, then you shouldn’t be running a venue in the first place. Go back to fishing.
  • Don’t try underpay us. We don’t care if the bar didn’t make enough money; that isn’t our problem. The bar is yours, the band is ours. If you hire a band at a fixed rate, be prepared to pay it. If you’re going to tell us afterwards that we are only getting half-pay, you are being completely unreasonable. If you tell us during our set, know that we will only play half a set.
  • Following from the previous point, if you are going to undercut us at the end of the night, we’d rather have a door deal, where we get paid according to money made from entrance charges. That way, if we don’t attract enough people to your venue, we don’t get paid. But don’t negotiate a set fee, and then tell us that there weren’t enough people attending. That’s not our problem.
  • Yes, playing music is a passion and a hobby, but for some/most of us it’s a job too. Don’t act like you’re doing us a favour by “letting” us play at your venue. We are like any other working professional; maybe we don’t have degrees or qualifications (some of us do) to prove it, but what we do requires dedication, hard work and, possibly the most tedious job in the world: dealing with you.
  • Don’t hire two acoustic guitarists if you’re expecting a trance party. It’s Tuesday night for God’s sake.
  • No matter how many times you tell us I don’t want to be unfair / I’m not using you guys / I’m not trying to be a bad guy, the bottom line is, if you are not upholding the initial agreement – YOU ARE BEING A BASTARD.
  • Contrary to popular belief, we are not stupid. We may not be rocket scientists but we can perform basic addition, multiplication, subtraction and division. Translation: we know if you’re undercutting us.
  • Don’t be skimp; we have expenses. We don’t just evaporate out of your venue when we’ve finished, only to apparate back a week later, all smiles and pansies. We carry large, heavy equipment, deal with advanced electronics and are kept awake until all hours of the night in an effort to entertain YOU and YOUR guests.

To the bands out there. Don’t be fools. Use a contract. A simple booking agreement contract will prevent these things from ever happening to you. Without one, you will be left enraged, powerless… and broke. If you want a booking agreement template and don’t know where to find one, you can download the template I use HERE. Go well, and thanks for listening.



Filed under Ramblings, The Chronicles

NFM – Audiogasm (Free Album Download)

After months of struggling to find a venue for the launch, double-bookings, cancellations, money issues and just overall messiness, I have decided to release Audiogasm for free download. This was actually my original plan from the very beginning. Big thanks to all who helped in the process!

a hopeful cause

The songs were written and recorded during 2009; consequently I have grown so sick of them that I just want to get rid of them so that I can start writing new music on a clean slate.

So here’s the deal. You can download each song individually (or just the ones you like) OR you can download a zipped archive containing the whole 9-track EP including 2 bonus tracks and album-art and wallpapers. Pick your poison.




01 the cliffhanger – download 6MB
02 cigarettes and love – download 3MB
03 sweep – download 2MB
04 a prisoner of consciousness – download 1MB
05 one night at the madness motel – download 4MB
06 life lesson – download 4MB
07 tongue – download 4MB
08 warm feet – download 2MB
09 audiogasm – download 5MB

cigarettes and love


Filed under Reviews, The Chronicles

Doing Stuff in Isolation

So… if you were a dude stuck in a house with another dude, and you both had, what appeared to be, H1N1, what would you expect to get up to?
Well I can tell you.  Here is a little summary of a couple of the strange antics that The Eiffel Tower has been home to over the last few days.

Zef so Fresh

[Please only try these activities with caution, because we didn’t, and look how we turned out]


  • Xbox LIVE

What you need:

  • an Xbox
  • an ADSL Internet Connection
  • an extremely well thought-out house so that your network cable can snake between the array of obstacles you do or do not have, and find its way to the port at the back of the Xbox
  • Make a Rap Song

What you need:

  • Zef so Fresh
  • An extensive knowledge of profanity
  • Three bored white guys. We talking, like, those couldn’t-be-anything-but-WHITE white guys. (Except for Lourens)
  • D&B and/or Hip Hop beat
  • A Make -shift mic
  • Hot Topic
  • Crazy friends who accept that kind of shit.
  • Read a Book

Nah, we’re just kidding. Who does that?

  • Play Swine-Chicken

What you will need:

  • A convincing and genuinly sick cough
  • A germ-mask (get them at the doctor, or alternatively wrap a white sock around your head)
  • Innocent bystanders to scare ie. small boys in video-stores, beggars, old women in shops, security guards, Nick Kuiper
  • Become Roof Leak Inspectors

What you will need:

  • A leaky roof
  • Loads of expensive sound-equipment to be leaked on
  • Mad looking skills
  • Buckets
  • Not Eat

What you WON’T need:

  • Appetite
  • Food
  • Taste
  • Basic survival instincts
  • Kirsten
  • Dishes
  • Any brain function whatsoever
  • Become a Master Zen-breather

What you will need:

  • Superman breathing skills to maintain NO-COUGH mode
  • Air/O2 (preferably fresh)
  • At least ONE working lung
  • Design Stuff

What wou will need:

  • Photoshop, Corel Draw… Even Paint
  • Hands
  • Looking balls
  • Mad creativity skills yo
  • Learn Cool Edit Pro

What you will need:

  • A perfectly legal copy of Cool Edit Pro acquired from your nearest local retailer
  • Lots of cables. Try tying them in crow’s nests around your chair and through and between your legs for maximum discomfort


I’m 70% Orange Juice!”
Lourens Loki Corleone

“We could totally be rappers!”
Nick Frost

“I’m one stomach bug away from my ideal weight.”
Lourens Loki Corleone

“I HATE the fish!”
Lourens Loki Corleone

Orcwad – pronounced: awkward



  • Wear a hoodie ALL the time. Even when you sleep. It starts feeling like a second house
  • Shower twice a day; dry yourself off with the walls because there are no clean towels (See the lounge-leak section)
  • Stratigically place an oil heater at the centre of the living area
  • ALWAYS answer your door with a mask on
  • Put syrup in your tea/coffee
  • Have coughing wars
  • Find new, innovative meanings for old words
  • Rent Xbox games that don’t work (if it happens again I’m mentioning names)
  • Talk about how sick you are
  • Watch whatever Lourens wants to watch. Don’t question.
  • Harrass the receptionist at the Doctor’s office
  • Collect sick notes
  • Play ‘Magical Shells’ with your medication
  • Drink your cough medicine straight from the bottle… ah… it’s almost like being out.
  • Plot revenge against Frost Manor
  • Don’t die
  • Lose all sense of time
  • Throw up
  • Read a book (we’re still kidding)

So now we draw to the end of our post, and you may be left with the feeling that we are slightly mentally deranged, but we assure you, it’s just the Swine Flu talking… or is it?



Filed under The Chronicles

Michael Jackson – The King of Pop

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Well, I decided to do a Michael Jackson article today; would you consider this selling out? Probably, but nevertheless, it will be good for site traffic, considering no one can shut their digital mouths about MJ’s death at the moment.

The King of Pop’s death was just too monumental for everyone to handle. It truly effected everyone in a way that they had never known before. Every morning they would awaken and go about their daily routines; take kids to school, go to work, eat lunch, pick up kids, drink vodka…
But now everything would change. Because Michael Jackson had died.

Oh no wait, that’s not right. Everybody’s fine. No one panic! We’re all going to be okay. MJ IS dead, but it hardly effects us at all.
The news that Michael Jackson had unfortunately suffered a fatal cardiac arrest on June 25th 2009 spread like wildfire; people were literally going mental. I, for one, was sitting quietly at home sipping on some warm tea when I was presented with the breaking news.
My first reaction was to tell my housemate, Lourens. Dude, Michael Jackson’s dead! Done. Okay, now let’s mess around.

Insensitive I know, but life can’t be serious all the time. Sometimes we have to look at the things that make people most depressed, most sad, and laugh at them. It reminds us that we are human. Plus… I mean… come on. The guy was scary lookin’!

Michael Jackson is DeadUghhh.

Yeah, so rumour has it, this is how things went down:
On June 25, 2009, Jackson collapsed at his rented mansion at 100 North Carolwood Drive in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles. Pending confirmation from toxicology reports, he was allegedly administered Demerol shortly before he stopped breathing.
Attempts at resuscitating him by his personal physician were unsuccessful. Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics received a 911 call at 12:22PM, and arrived three minutes and seventeen seconds later at Jackson’s location (take note SAPD and Co, THIS is how it’s done!).
He was reportedly not breathing and CPR was performed. Resuscitation efforts continued both en route to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, and for an hour further after arriving at approximately 1:13 p.m. (20:13 UTC).
He was noted already to have been in cardiac arrest by the paramedics who attended his house. Jackson was pronounced dead at approximately 2:25 p.m. local time (21:25 UTC).

So that’s the story so far. Since then we have been hearing Michael Jackson’s Greatest Hits (which everyone had “magically” forgotten they like for 20 years) on the radio 24/7 (literally) and new stories (even vaguely) regarding his death have been popping up all over the interwebs. I even found one, on WordPress no less, that stated that the whole paedophilia thing was a hoax and that the kid was forced by his dad to accuse Michael Jackson of “beating it” just to get money. Something like $22 mil or something ridiculous.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, why do human kind celebrate death to such a degree. He’s dead. Acknowledge it and let him rest in peace. He did some great things in his time, and some not-so-great things too. What’s done is done. We can all sit back and joke about it if we want, or we can sit at home and cry or be angry.

But joking is a lot more fun.

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Filed under Ramblings