Now, I know some of you might be strangers to the wonders of Ramfest, so hopefully I can give you at least a smidgen of a taste of things to come.

I was also planning on providing all you Ramfest virgins with a bit of a guide on the essentials for surviving Ramfest, but Mr. Frost already took care of that amiably last year. As for the festival itself, yours truly wrote a love letter to hedonism that chronicles our adventures of last year.

So, what is left? Ah, c’mon…you should know that already … gees.

There has been some controversy leading up to Ramfest V, with quite a few people bitching and moaning about the line-up. Last year Pendulum headlined the festival, and thousands of screaming fans danced their little sunburnt asses off to one of my favourite groups in the world. This year, two international acts were announced:

Alkaline Trio & Funeral for a Friend.

Now, I have to admit I don’t really know Alkaline Trio, but based on opinions from my punk-orientated friends they are bound to put up a hell of a show. Funeral for a Friend, on the other hand, I am a big fan of. I used to listen to some of their tracks religiously a few years back, and having the opportunity to see them live seems slightly poetic, since their style helped shape my taste in music considerably.

Besides the international acts, there are tons of local acts that I am ecstatic to see, like: Die Fokken Antwoord, Desmond & the Tutu’s, Isochronous, Not My Dog (Ah, reminds me of the Barney Simon days) …and that’s just to name a few. I have to admit to being slightly disappointed that Lark won’t be performing,they have always been one of my highlights, but that just gives me the opportunity to give other artists a chance at stealing my adoration.

So, to the haters out there, I have this to say: Really?

If you don’t think you are going to go because you aren’t 100% happy with the line-up, that’s your decision. Me? Well, coming Ramfest weekend I will be right in front of the stage, shaking my fist in the air and celebrating what the country’s best alternative festival is all about: The music. Hos ja!

• First things first: if you want a DJ, hire a DJ. If you want a band, hire a band. If you want both, hire both; but don’t – for the love of God – hire a band and expect them to supply in-between set  ambience. That’s the venue’s issue. Do you hire a DJ and ask them to play in a band as well?  No. If you’re confused as to the difference between a band and a DJ, then you shouldn’t be running a venue in the first place. Go back to fishing.
• Don’t try underpay us. We don’t care if the bar didn’t make enough money; that isn’t our problem. The bar is yours, the band is ours. If you hire a band at a fixed rate, be prepared to pay it. If you’re going to tell us afterwards that we are only getting half-pay, you are being completely unreasonable. If you tell us during our set, know that we will only play half a set.
• Following from the previous point, if you are going to undercut us at the end of the night, we’d rather have a door deal, where we get paid according to money made from entrance charges. That way, if we don’t attract enough people to your venue, we don’t get paid. But don’t negotiate a set fee, and then tell us that there weren’t enough people attending. That’s not our problem.
• Yes, playing music is a passion and a hobby, but for some/most of us it’s a job too. Don’t act like you’re doing us a favour by “letting” us play at your venue. We are like any other working professional; maybe we don’t have degrees or qualifications (some of us do) to prove it, but what we do requires dedication, hard work and, possibly the most tedious job in the world: dealing with you.
• Don’t hire two acoustic guitarists if you’re expecting a trance party. It’s Tuesday night for God’s sake.
• No matter how many times you tell us I don’t want to be unfair / I’m not using you guys / I’m not trying to be a bad guy, the bottom line is, if you are not upholding the initial agreement – YOU ARE BEING A BASTARD.
• Contrary to popular belief, we are not stupid. We may not be rocket scientists but we can perform basic addition, multiplication, subtraction and division. Translation: we know if you’re undercutting us.
• Don’t be skimp; we have expenses. We don’t just evaporate out of your venue when we’ve finished, only to apparate back a week later, all smiles and pansies. We carry large, heavy equipment, deal with advanced electronics and are kept awake until all hours of the night in an effort to entertain YOU and YOUR guests.

To the bands out there. Don’t be fools. Use a contract. A simple booking agreement contract will prevent these things from ever happening to you. Without one, you will be left enraged, powerless… and broke. If you want a booking agreement template and don’t know where to find one, you can download the template I use HERE. Go well, and thanks for listening.

After staring stupidly out of the back seat of a car while Kyle coerced two gate attendants into giving us a media pass, we were directed towards – what we believed to be – our campsite. As it turns out, there’s a whole lot of wine farm at Boschendal Estate; the fact that we were lost was not only becoming increasingly obvious, it was also completely amazing, considering that there was an outdoor music festival somewhere in our immediate vicinity.

We eventually found our camping spot: a spacious, shaded area that was – at first, startling for a group of people who are used to the dry, thorny plateau of RAMfest. We set up the tent, and proceeded to get cracking on the booze. This was followed by a hurried drive down to the YourLMG Tent, where Heldervue were getting their jam on.

We caught the tale-end of their set – which was golden, as always – and headed to the bar. Next up was CT rockers, Fox Comet – who I had never seen before; I was well impressed. After a much needed meeting with the Captain, I took a look around the grounds a little to see the lay-of-the-land. Synergy was big. Big in the best kind of way. The three separate music stages were well positioned, each offering their own unique blend of South African music. We eventually made our way down to the main stage to see the Hogs’ set. Mind blown.

I’m the kind of festival goer that prefers to stand back and actually watch a band play, as apposed to being directly involved in a moshpit – or even moving my body in any way that is not necessary. I just like it that way. Needless to say, I didn’t actually watch a lot of the bands that played on Saturday as we spent most of our time investigating various attractions littered around the grounds. Wacky-waving-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube-man!

And then night time just happened. I think I experienced Saturday night in much the same way as everyone else: blinding lights. Spinning ride thing. Drink. Pizza. Drink. Walk around trying to find people. Smoke. Drink. Climb a tree. Fall. Drink. People in neon shirts on mushrooms. Shouting. And then Feeder, the headlining act. A band that is highly underrated. After playing songs that I had known for years – despite not knowing their origin, Feeder left the stage and the crowd dispersed. Oh, and the Nutella crêpes. Did I mention those?

We awoke the next morning to the sound of Tecla frantically calling: “Kyle! Kyooooooooole!”. What followed was a post-party chill-out session in the VIP campsite, where we listened to relaxed acoustic songs and complained at length about our hangovers. A perfect end to the weekend, accentuated by another round of crêpes courtesy of Jono. What a guy.

• To check out more pictures click here.

Until next year Synergy!

My gorgeous woman, Jesse Beth, is taking part in FHM Models 2011 and I, after deep thought, have decided that my enthusiasm to see my girlfriend within the pages of the esteemed FHM – inside the glossy temple from which every major swimsuit model from SA was borne – far out-ways my inevitable onslaught of insecurities when I realise that every warm-blooded male in the country is going to be ogling  my semi-naked girlfriend. Consider this the ultimate display of national bro-mans’hip.

Jesse is signed to Trigger Modeling Agency in Cape Town and has been involved in a number of creative projects; from professional photoshoots to public service announcements. She recently made an appearance in the debut music video entitled ‘Evolve’ from Somerset West rockers, Heldervue.

I urge you to take a chance to vote for her. The reason why you should vote for her is twofold: 1. because she is dramastically (dramatically/drastically) beautiful and 2. because if you vote, you stand a chance to attend the exclusive FHM after party sponsored by Tabasco.

So how do you vote? There are two methods.

You can visit Jesse’s Modelbook profile and click the ‘please vote for me’ button located at the top right of the page. Alternatively you can SMS ’MODEL 84′ to 34973 to submit a vote for Jesse. See you at the party?

For more about Rouxmia:

• On Facebook
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• Outlaw Models Profile